Poem on war.. advice/help please!?

Sitting down low in the deep, dirty trench


The line of men before us ran like cheetahs


Towards the unavoidable maze of bullets


The sound of gun shots and rifles


Filled the defeaning silence of fear


I stood anxiously while my friends were shot down


Screams and moans echoed through the valley


Tough men holding weapons like knights


Cried helplessly while writing letters to their families


Mumbling their last prayers to God


Only a miracle could save us all now


From the awaiting death before us


Jack put his hand on my shoulder


“I love you, my dear brother.”


The sergeant blew the first whistle


Telling us soldiers to prepare our guns


The sergeant blew the second whistle


Telling us soldiers to prepare only ourselves


Finally, the sergeant blew the third whistle


Up and out of the trenches we ran


My mates who were alive only seconds ago


Were now shot down


And soon enough,


So was I.








What can i do/add to improve this poem?Poem on war.. advice/help please!?
I think you explain everything too much. Maybe you should have left some gaps to let the reader imagine what happened. Lines 6-10 were pretty good. Remember! this all my unprofessional opinion, so...


*ahem* anyways, the last part, line 14 to the end, i didn't like. It doesn't forecast a feeling of dread. Elaborate with better adjectives! It was kind of dull, and emotionless. Convey your emotions! Choose a setting! I guess this war to be WWI, which was a trench warfare war. Choose your time period and from that, see what you can place yourself and your ';men'; in.Poem on war.. advice/help please!?
This month being the 90th Anniversary of the First World War and some of the survivors still being alive, I think this is a wonderful, thoughtful poem and a fitting tribute to the thousands who fell. Well done. The only possible change I would make would be to the 5th line, by replacing, ';silence of fear'; by ';silence with fear.';
This is very well written! I think it pulled many emotions and really tells a story.


But, I don't think that cheetahs in the second line works...


Maybe make a transition line between lines 8 and 9...


line 18 was a little confusing to me...


Other than that, maybe just revise word choice to make it stronger, but it was really good.
Thinking of the war we hav rite now i wnna cry. its an awesome poem. congrats.

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