23/m - i need advice/help, please?

i lost a woman that i loved dearly. i never felt like i deserved her love - anytime she wanted me to comfort her, this painful feeling came over me - like ';you know how ugly you are inside, how dare you love her back';. i couldnt even have sex with her - i felt i was undeserving....i was so rude to her at times argh





i spent a year trying to make things right, and at the end, she tried to end it civily, and i became a really horrible human being.





i feel numb.


the year she was in my life, i was verbally abused at work (constantly), kicked out of my house, she even walked all over me (i let her, to save the relationship) - i never feel like im worth fighting for.





and after all this, after losing her - i cant concentrate, my old friends are distancing themselves from me, my family is fed up with me.





i have to go see my doctor in secret. my family doesnt want/know im going to a psychatrist.





im so alone. i dont feel like a man, i know it - but im so blank.23/m - i need advice/help, please?
Everyone deserves to be loved! You are not alone. And honestly I appreciate you reaching out and asking for more help even if it is here as opposed to an online support group for people who need mental support. You did a wonderful thing by asking for help even if your family cannot back you up on it. Everyone needs help sometime in their lives for some reason. Just too many people cannot afford it or will accept help even if they had the means to get it. There is still too much stigma attached to seeing a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist in this day and age.





I struggle with this all of the time. It is so hard for me to accept being loved by someone who seems so much better then I am.





Some people for reasons we may not fully understand always tend to be scared of others close to them going to see a psych. All too often people are uneasy with the thought of people needing mental help. When I was first diagnosed with borderline personality disorder I hid it from everyone as best as I could. What that caused me to do was have panic attacks due to my anxiety levels being way out of control.





The truth of the matter is that you need to look at why you think you are ugly inside. You need to keep in mind people make mistakes, some people make a lot of them. You have to be able to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made and try not to make them again.





People could not understand my instant anger or agitation. Nor could they understand why I kept to myself a good portion of the time. What I was trying to do was make sure people did not see me at my really bad times. I was 25 when I was finally diagnosed. Mom knew something was not right with me and would get angry back at me for me being angry for what seemed like no reason to her.





I have been on 100mg Zoloft for the past 5 years. I can tell you if I do not take my medication for two days by the end of the second day I am so annoyed with anything and everything God could be standing in front of me telling me I am going to heaven and I would yell at him for being my way of getting to wherever I was going to. Know what I mean? But each and every day, no one would know anything was wrong with me when I take my medication.





Did your psych put you on meds? If so, it takes 4-6 weeks before they fully kick into gear. You may need them adjusted or a different medication. It took me several (5 at weeks each minimum before that med was changed) medications for me to find one that really works for me with little side effects.





I hope this helps. IF you like you can email me and I will be glad to chat with you more. Sometimes it even helps just to know that you are not alone in how you feel. Best wishes for good times to come soon for you.